Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
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MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Morning.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.