Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
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cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.