Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
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Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener