Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

me doing my best

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.