Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Is anyone gonna tell them?

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.