Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
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Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on