Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
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If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Bringing home a sharpie
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?