Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
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Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.