Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

The glockness monster

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

Me: What’s your favorite book?

Date: War and Peace

Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.