“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
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All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.