Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…