Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
You Might Also Like
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Sharon, call the vet
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Holy shit he’s back
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Google assistant rules
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp