Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

Our lord and savoury.

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.