Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

what are they serving at kfc then???

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you

Me: Noice.

Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.