Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
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Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.