Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
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Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My first son he is wonderful
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.