Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
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If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?