Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
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it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50