Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
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*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Oh yeah that’s it
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
