Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.

Me: Did you check the hamper?

11: Why would it be there?

Why indeed.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.