Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

There are no pants in heaven.

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this