Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
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I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?