Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.