Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
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6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
dream blunt rotation
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose