Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

thoughts?

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

dude it’s called proctologist

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.