Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

Nose

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

Show yourself some self-love.

No. Not in public.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

moms in horror movies

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1148292908941864960/pu/vid/1280x720/gatt3tlwGIt2OVVN.mp4?tag=10

Family Celebrity

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

crying

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.