“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
You Might Also Like
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
the pigeons are already plenty salty
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me