“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
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A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.