“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
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I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”