Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

“What base is it when you share your chocolates?”

Me eating MY chocolates:
I wouldn’t know

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”