Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
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Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
*watches the world burn*
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
