Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
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Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
dutch is not a serious language
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.