Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
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Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.