Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

The days of good grammer has went

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.