Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did