Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
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Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh