Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
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Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Inside you there are two wolves
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
How to woo a woman
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school