Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

Yes, but it was never about money

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.