“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
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COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all