Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
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If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up