Your mother has terrible taste in children.
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“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.