Your mother has terrible taste in children.
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Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes