Your mother has terrible taste in children.
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ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real