Your mother has terrible taste in children.
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I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Sorted
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty