Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

National Margarita Day is like any other day except…

“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”

*passes out*

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.