Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
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The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share