8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
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A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up