Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

If snakes were wide

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.