Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
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[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Best spoiler warning ever
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.