Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
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[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
We avoided this particular disaster
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
If you know, you know
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director