Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

I’m crying im so happy for them

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles