Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

Does your wife know you’re single?

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.