Your neck tattoo says “Only God can judge me,” yet here I am.

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On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.


wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on


hey salt and vinegar chips people,

all chips have salt.

ur eating vinegar chips.


[At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.


I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!


Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.


Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.


To punish me, my 2yr old shuts herself in her room. She can shut, but not open, doors. She ends up trapped in a self-imposed timeout. #irony