On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Your neck tattoo says “Only God can judge me,” yet here I am.
You Might Also Like
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
hey salt and vinegar chips people,
all chips have salt.
ur eating vinegar chips.
[At the magic store]
Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.
Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?
Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
The Rock is going to have a kid, which they’ll name Pebbles.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
To punish me, my 2yr old shuts herself in her room. She can shut, but not open, doors. She ends up trapped in a self-imposed timeout. #irony