Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
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VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Guys which shade of gery should I get
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER: