Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
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“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
It’s his time
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
smartest karate player in the world
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I’ve had worse
This squirrel eats better than I do
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Can confirm.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.