Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
The photographer’s assistant
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Tier 3 meme
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”