Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

Not messing around

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.