Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
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STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.