Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

Milk Cube