Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

These 3D printers are insane!

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess