Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

no way 😭

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*