Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

they see me scrollin

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

Investing in beetcoin

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do