Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

My dress code is business-casualty.