Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

I wish I were this cool 😂

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales