Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
You Might Also Like
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat