Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.