Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
You Might Also Like
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.