“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
You Might Also Like
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
The Assassin.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I think this cat is broken
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen