“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
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Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I Can’t Tonight…
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
◾️
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Not even remotely sorry.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
School be like
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
